intro to my messy love life

hiii, the basic intro to all of this, like the basics of who i am and why i'm writing this is in the about page, go check it out if you haven't already.

anyway, let's start this journey from the very beginning.

since i was 13 (12 years ago) i have been on twitter, and there was where i first came out as both bi and trans. this came out happened around 2 years and a half ago on october 2022. i received incrible support from my mutuals back then, and i was genuinely so happy. during that time i gained some new mutuals and everything was alright, until that point i had never had a relationship before, only drunk one night stands with some guys (ugh) and had never really thought much about the whole being in a relationship thing.

the next year went by as the previous one, just casual drunk (very drunk may i add) hookups with guys and nothing else. i had one mutual in specific who i thought was really really pretty and liked to interact with her, she would reply to my tweets, i would reply to hers and we would have our little interactions, she even dm me about starting to watch a show that i was obsessed about it (it's always sunny in philadelphia) only because of my tweets talking about it non stop. our interactions were really nothing special, just casual chatting, she even went to a show of a group i really like (aespa) and recorded videos of my favorite songs for me, jokingly calling me her wife. it all changed on new year's eve of 2023.

that night i was working (yes, working) at my friend's nightclub, it was a pretty chill night, only a few people and i was just doing my job, which was basically just selling drinks and sometimes talking to people, until i received new dm from her. her dm was basically she drunk on tequila telling how gorgeous she thought i was, i saying that i also thought she was gorgeous, even admitting that i had a crush on her for a while, with she replying that she had a crush on me too, even saying that the sole reason she even started watching the show i was obsessed about it was to get closer to me (it is a 17 seasons show, by the way, and she watched it all). from that day on we started chatting more and more, be it on twitter or even on tiktok, we would go hours and hours just chatting, about everything and nothing, and this was were our relationship began.

everything was going pretty well, we would chat for hours and hours, we would watch shows together, even read fanfics together, all by text, because i wasn't really confident with my transition at that point, but still, it was great. it was thanks to her that i also discovered that i really like girls, like 100% girls, and not boys, she was my realisation that i'm a lesbian, after spending years thinking i was bi, being in with a relationship with a girl made me realize that i just can't see myself having this same kind of relationship with a guy. as time went by though, i started to see how different our views on some things regarding our relationship were. i have always been a helpless romantic, i wanted to be someone's everything, i wanted to be someone's whole world, the person that they would yell to the whole world how much they loved me, but she was the complete opposite. she was very private, she didn't like posting about our relationship, she didn't like talking about our relationship, she didn't like labeling our relationship, she didn't like to use the word "girlfriend", she didn't like to celebrate special dates, like when i told her that is was our 1 year anniversary together, expecting a celebration, she just said "oh yeah hahaha" and that was it. i was was kinda hurt by that, not gonna lie, but there was nothing i could do, it was not like she didn't care about me, she cared a lot, i know that, this was just how she was, and i tried to live with that, but it was not easy.

in this point in time i had just began my hrt, and i was so happy, she supported me a lot, she would always tell me how pretty i was and how much she was proud of me, and that meant the world to me, but with all the humor changes from the hrt, i started to be more emotional and hurt by her avoidant behavior, and i started to question if our relationship was really going to work out in the long term. turns out that both of us were thinking the same thing, how different we actually were, how relationship goals were different, and how we were not on the same page. after 1 year and half together, we decided to break up, and it was a pretty friendly mutual breakup, we just knew at that point that it was not going to work out, and that it was better for both of us to go our separate ways, and that was it. we decided to continue as friends, she still is one my best online friends to this date, but i can't lie and say that it didn't hurt a lot to see her start dating someone else a few months after our breakup, another close mutual of both of us. it was weird, because she would rarely if almost ever tweet about me and our relationship when we were together, but now she would tweet about her new relationship non stop, it was like we were never actually a thing, and i can't lie, it hurt.

after that, i spent some time (like 2 months, maybe?) being single, and it was pretty okay, i guess, but after some time i started to feel lonely, and i started to miss having someone to talk to, i started to question if i would ever be in another relationship, after all, i am a trans lesbian woman, relationships are not the easiest thing in the world, especially for us. in this time i tried to flirt with some mutuals, if my first girlfriend was a mutual why couldn't the second one be a mutual too? but, unfortunately, it didn't go anywhere, and can't lie, i was starting to get desperate. i was 24 at this point, and i was starting to feel like i would never find someone to love me for who i am, and that was a scary thought, i mean, if i can't find a girlfriend on twitter, with me living in a small city with little less than 30 thousand inhabitants, where else would i find one? the thoughts of possibly dying alone started to cross my mind, and it was not a nice feeling, to say the least. i would cry thinking about it, and i would get really anxious, but then i had an idea; yeah, it was very unlikely for me to find someone in my city or close by that would actually want to date me, but i never gave that i chance, i just assumed that it was impossible and just jumped straight to online dating as the only possible option, what if i tried to find someone right here (or close)? i didn't really go out much, and i didn't really have much of a social life, maybe there is someone for me right here, just my introversion and social anxiety were stopping me from finding them. with that in mind, i created a great amount of courage and i created a tinder account. that is when the real fun began, when the real nightmare began, when my love life became the greatest mess ever, and this is the story that i want to talk about in this blog, because this mess is still going on, and each day it becomes more complicated.

anyway, that's enough about me for now, i guess. my plan with this blog is to relate my experiences in cronological order, so there will be a new posts soon talking about the tinder mess, how it began, how it evolved, and how it is going on up to this day. i hope you enjoy reading my blog, see you soon :)